All relationships have a degree of truth and lies. I guess its about what we choose lie about and what we chose to be truthful about. Truth is prized by many, but at times the truth hurts. So finding that delicate balance within a relationship matters, and to do that we have to be able to recognise our own principles and that of our partners/loved ones.
For me, I don’t particularly want to hear about a dress that you don’t like on me – if I am fine and comfortable I am good thanks – so please go ahead and lie to me. I am not particularly interested in a truth that can hurt me that I can’t do anything about, and you need to tell me just because it makes you feel better but will inevitably leave me with something ticking over in my mind, eating away at me.
Lies about how you are in relation to me though are not ok. Don’t tell me that everything is fine when its not. Don’t tell me that I am the only one when I am not. Don’t tell me that you love me when its not true. I will make decisions on information that is given to me so have some thought about that when that lie comes out.
We lie often to get our own needs met … ‘There is no one else – only you ‘ ..does this mean ‘I like you, but I also like what this other person does for me and I can’t decide’?
Perhaps we also tell the truth for our own needs too : ‘ I don’t think those pants suit you’ .could this mean.. ‘I don’t want you to feel good about yourself, because I feel bad about myself and I need you to stay with me?’
We all have our own principles about truth and lies … ‘I’d much rather hear a hurtful truth than a comforting lie’ .. really? What’s your principle?
I am being rather cynical here we can read many things into other people statements. We can try and work out their motivations, but at the end of the day its about what goes on for us that matters. If you tell me you love me and I feel it, I might be persuaded to take a risk on you, if you tell me that you love me and I’m not feeling it I probably wont. So lets unhook from the truth and lies, they don’t really matter, what’s matters is our instinct, what inside tells us. Even in the face of the most devastating betrayal sometimes our instinct tells us to stay and stand by someone.
So how do we tap into that instinct? Staying close to ourselves is important, knowing ourselves, knowing what people make us feel or don’t feel and knowing how important that is for us. Checking in with ourself, is this person lifting me or draining me, do I feel safe, what does tomorrow look like without them? We are the only tool we have to decipher all of this complex data that is thrown at us on a daily basis. You don’t have to trust in anyone you just need to trust yourself and this will give you every thing you need to make the choices that you make.
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