As I have spoken about before relationships are an integral part of out life, and something that we need as much as water or food. They bring us immense joy, and yet at times they give us immense pain. What is clear is however we might try we cant live without them.
I have got to an age now where I know I need to have relationships, and acknowledge this but I don’t really like the majority of the ones that I have! (Sorry) It came to a bit of a crunch point on many levels this Christmas for me both in familial relationships and others. In this New Year it’s left me reflecting on what relationships I want and what ones don’t I want.
There are some relationships now that have stood the test of time. The one with my parents being the main one, its not always perfect but it is our relationship. It will last us now. Developmentally we worked through all the stuff: the tantrums, the teenage years, the need to pull away when I became a parent for the first time. It feels solid and worked through to a level. That’s not to say that we are best friends all the time, far from it. But I do feel a certain sense of security.
My brother though, we are still going through some stuff, and its not him per se. The decisions that I am struggling with are now being influenced by his wife someone I don’t really have a relationship with, or indeed ever want one with. This week she involved herself into my family, it wasn’t warranted and it wasn’t needed. It left me feeling hurt and angry. My brother though, rather than hear my hurt defended his wife, and I am in a place now where I will have to make a decision how to keep myself safe. Regrettably I felt I had to remove these people from my life. It wasn’t an easy decision, but one I felt I needed to do to protect my son and myself. Of course it might not be forever, but it is for now. I have never done anything like this before and it feels very scary and at the same time quite liberating. But you threaten my son, you don’t give me much choice!
Why am I writing about this? Well families quite often have blanket approaches to contact. You have got to see this person and that person because they are family. You accept certain levels of behaviour because they are family. Let us not forget, most abuse comes from within family units. I think what is almost the hardest thing to spot is the slow wittering away of respect for your life, even as an adult. You end up making wrong choices for you just because you are ‘family’. It a complex constellation family, but sometimes we have to pull ourselves out to ensure we survive as the person we truly need to be, and to be there for the stars we decided to put in the sky.
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