Its taken many a year to spot this one, but i think I am finally getting a handle on it. There are many people in my life, but there is a certain type of person that I seem to attract that don’t make it OK for me to be me. I end up feeling wrong in their presence and like I am deficit in some way, not enough. I find myself working extra hard to make sure they are ok, when I am not. Eventually I become very unhappy.
So what’s going on? I think that I have a need to make people that I care happy (perhaps we all do) and in that need when I see people that are not happy, I see the gap and I instantly need to fill it. At this point I stop being me, I stop connecting to me and what I need. Additionally I usually end up really annoying the person that is not OK even more!
Fundamentally I think what I am learning is that these people cant take responsibility for themselves and their feelings. They know it will affect me and yet they somehow that’s OK.
In many ways its attention seeking behaviour, its like I don’t want to tell you what’s going on, but I want you to remember that I am not OK – it’s a passive aggressive behaviour that leaves me unsure of my footing, and that is the intention. Its like a barb, inserted into you, so you feel the pain but if you try and first aid then they will repel that action. It meets their need for you to be in pain.
Whilst I may have the time to deal with these kinds of people in my consulting room, I don’t have time for them in my life in the same way. I guess the part of me that gets facilitated – is my facilitator and its gets over stimulated and confused, leads me to thinking – who am I? Who am I in this situation? Who am I to this person? A therapist or a friend or a partner? As I continue to try and help them and it gets rejected, I find myself closing down and closing off, there is no room for me. This is not what they want but its what their behaviour does, and maybe it is what they want. Are they testing me – seeing if I walk away? Whatever I do is wrong, whatever I am, I am wrong.
Well it depends what kind of relationship I am in. If its my friendship, I push them far back and don’t get involved, maybe they become an acquaintance. If it is a client then I am going to stick right there with them because that is what they are paying me for. If it’s a partner, I am going to think quite carefully if this is the right person for me because whatever is broken I am not going to be able to fix, they have to do that by themselves and until they do they are going to hurt me in their quest to find whatever they need and are looking for. Its just like climbing over barbed wire.
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