Depression for many people is not something that goes away quickly. It can last week, months, years or a lifetime. Just because you might be in therapy or taking medication it wont disappear. We don’t understand why its different for different people, but recovery is different for all of us. Sometimes it feels like it will never end, like the darkness will envelope us for ever. Its almost impossible when we are in the middle of depression to see beyond what is overwhelming us.
There are few things that I like to hang onto when I feel like I cant go on:
Firstly is noting my emotions on an hourly basis. I know this sounds labour intensive but its important to remember. Feelings change on a regular basis, but unless we check in with them then we tend to blanket describe them. Even on the darkest of days there some light moments however fleeting.
Secondly, taking one step at a time, and to just keep walking. There are days when you have depression when everything just seems so hard that you just want to give up, but just putting that next step down allows us sometime to just get through the day, whatever that step is whether its going out for a walk, giving in and going to bed, taking your meds and writing off the rest of the day … have a huge glass of wine .. whatever it is take it. Just keep going. There have been times when I have thought that I cant go on, but now I have a mantra … just give it 24 hours and see if it feels any better. It invariably does, even if its just a little bit. But it is enough.
Recently I had a really bad day. I was betrayed by someone really special to me, and it hurt like mad. These are the issues that I find very difficult to overcome and lead me into suicidal thoughts. It was lunchtime and I really thought that I couldn’t cope, so I took some sleeping medication and went to bed. I literally needed to stop thinking. I actually slept for about a day, my brain obviously needed to not process this information and needed to cut out. When I woke, I did felt angry and upset, but I was no longer in that place that I didn’t want to live anymore. I had found some (if only a tiny sliver) of resilience that kept we walking, l,Irving, breathing. It took me the best part of the week to fully process and recover but I did (not out of depression, but out of the dangerous zone). Things shifted and changed, the betrayal wasn’t what I thought it was, I survived. Its hard when you are depressed to think about how close you come to death on many occasions and we never really talk about it .. we carry on, probably feeling shame and a sense of weakness. Thats the point of this blog I guess to not bury these experiences to talk about them. Depression is real and is dangerous, but it doesn’t need to kill you. I don’t know what’s at the end of my path I just need to keep walking though.
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