Heart break can feel so painful, literally like you will fall to bits, like your heart will split into two. For me it is no so much the the loss of someone, but perhaps all the difficult betrayal emotions that go with it, along with the questioning of self … am I not good enough? Am I not attractive? And sometimes more existentially ‘who am I?’
We define ourselves by the relationships we have around us, whether they are successful of not – if they successful then we feel successful. I think I am getting to a place where I am no longer looking for a mate to complete me, I am grateful for the past relationships I have had and their tender and passionate moments. Do they have to last forever?, Is it enough to have some warm and tender moments?
I think as we get older heartbreak gets harder to endure, it hurts and we recognise the pain, and its frightening that we need to go back to that place. Whilst I know the pain I will feel I don’t think this necessarily makes it easier for me to endure. But is not loneliness just as excruciatingly painful? If we love then we must accept that we hurt and if we don’t we hurt then perhaps it’s didn’t matter. At times it feels like a rock and a hard place.
So we battle on making connections, feeling frightened of getting hurt, thinking we should learn by experience but we don’t. The feeling to connect and be loved is as strong and the need to eat. So despite our heartbreak we will continue to search and reach out. I guess the thing is that we need to understand that heartbreak is part of life and our need to love.
This being so how do we make sure we survive it? Allowing the pain to be there is a start I think – acknowledging that you hurt because it mattered. And to have something that mattered in your life is important. I guess the other thing that feels important is that because this relationship has ended it doesn’t mean that you are imperfect by any means, you are wonderful, they maybe many reasons for the break but it is not you – you alone. Sometimes it because of the combination of two different needs and wants from two individuals that just don’t compliment each other, sometimes we find our place in our life not able to put ourself to one side to facilitate others needs, sometimes they can’t do that for us, inevitably at this point the fracture happens.
One of the things I find fascinating is that we are so scared of rejection that we often are not able to handle the ending of the relationship very well, even if it is us that is wanting to move on. Instead we rely on behaviours to indicate we are no longer happy. We start talking to someone else perhaps? Move closer to that other person or want to spend more time on our own – when simply it might be better to just sit down as say ‘ this isn’t working and I need to move on’. Humans make relationships very difficult and complex, it part of our success but also part of the distress.
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